Make no mistake about it, every aspect of our time together perfectly described a teenager's typical first attempts at dating. The talking, the finding out about each other, the fumbling in the car afterwards, the leaving each other intact to drive each other home, on our own, in separate cars. At forty-five years of age, I thought those days were long gone. Whatever happened to, ‘let’s go back to my place and fuck – shall we?’Kate and I behaved like this for far too long. But I was smitten with her and I wanted her. I was prepared to put up with all her foibles. The more we explored each other in the pub car parks, the more I began to think that it was the risk of being caught that was turning her on and not the fondling. I began to think that she was getting a sexual rush from the whole scenario; as if she was wishing someone would come out of the pub and catch us. On one occasion they did, it was giggles all around the car; complete with pulling her jumper down and glancing behind. I leaned my head up over his head, and whispered in his ear.“Rob, honey ... thank you ... thanks for seeing how it just has to be. Darling ... I’m so sorry ... no one is sorrier than I am ... but it just has to be like this. We just can’t, honey...”I felt him nod. I hoped he understood. I hoped I wasn’t mixing him up by holding him, one last time. I clasped him to me, and tears began to drip from beneath my eyelids. I kissed his ear, and lay my head down behind his.Even though I felt like she was telling me no, it was sexier than hell to lay in my mom’s bed and have her hold me, just like I was a little baby. I wondered if this was the last time, the only time, we’d do this. It was almost enough, although I kind of wished we were reversed, and I was holding her. But, it was enough, for now. It seemed like she was going to ask me to do what I’d said, go back to simply being her son. I’d try, if that’s what she really wanted. But always, deep down inside, I’d love her, as much as I.
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